The Better News

I was born long ago in the 1980s.  A time of coal and lizards.  I was yellow when I was born and at school they called me radioactive: The joke was on them becasue in 2009 I worked with radioactive amino acids.   I was put into an oxgygen tent which sounds like a festival but is not.  It’s a tent for sick babies.

Then my sister was born and it was good.  Then my next sister was born and she was and is a small tigress.  Then my brother was born and he is wise like an owl.  My father was angry and sad and happy and made money while my mother made lasagne which my best friend devoured.

At primary school I was the best but then I moved to a special bully school and it was shit for two years until I met the soon to be named Shaolin Monkey Crew.  Big L, Little D, Liono, B-Lime and Feeling with my little brother and Pedro.

I took some acid and watched L’s face fall off.

I went to study Pharmacy and mixed dangerous chemicals together.

I smoked on a plane and went to jail.

I studied Biology and got a first.  I became defacto leader of the W Massive.

I fell in love twice and lust infinitely.

I did a PhD and went crazy.  I became friends with superdave.

I went to Asia.

I fell out of love and into Buddha.

I came home and cried.

I became God realised and Chrisitian.

The End.

Any Questions?


the man is self critical
all his thoughts are trivial
addicted to poisons
kids addicted to toys and
cats get fat on full fat cream
there never was a scene
just cheap drugs and selfish hugs
and music made on music machines
I love this track, but can’t go back
my life is not clean

every opinion is void
there is no separation
no us and them, enemies, friends
no taste
everything is mostly space
the dichotomy you imagine
the tragic magic
the plastic pipe of dreams
is just a juicy tangerine,
and all the pieces and all the white shitty bits in between
taste the same

It’s self indulgent,
repugnant, selfish
you’re a shellfish
going home alone
when you’re dead your bones
are fed to foxes and mushrooms
with one flick of his head,
Shiva will crush you.



I’m vegan because I think using animals for food is wrong.  I don’t care about all the thousands of animals that died when the jungle in Peru was cleared to grow my quinoa.  They can fuck off.

I’m vegetarian because I don’t think animals should be killed for food.  I think it’s OK for them to suffer and die to produce eggs and milk.  That’s fine. I love cheese.

I’m following a yogic diet because I went to India and a cow farted on me and I spent 3 days in an ashram so I think I’m it.

I’m pescatarian.  It’s not even a word and I don’t have any morals.  There wasn’t a thing for me so I just made it up.

I’m following a paleo diet because it’s what cavemen ate so it must be good for you.  Man hasn’t really made any worthwhile advancements since then.

I’m lactose intolerant because I wasn’t suckled for long enough because my mum wanted to go back to work.

I’m wheat intolerant and I drink beer.  I could explode at any moment.

I’m following the Mediterranean diet because an advert told me to eat margarine made from reconstituted olive twigs and they were all old and Italian and happy.

I’m eating MacDonald’s every day and making a film about it.  I wonder if I’ll make myself sick.

I eat nothing because I have an eating disorder.  I want to be thin and I’m obsessed about my weight.  I’ve not eaten for so long that my body thinks I’m a wolf and I’ve grown lots of little hairs.  There is too much ketone in my body.  I’m locked in a secure unit, force fed gloop and made to eat chocolate bars because that is normal.

I eat nothing because there is no food because the farmers in my country sold it all to your country.

cold toilet nostalgia

cold toilets and fruit detergents
nostalgia is emerging
mould on the curtains and the dryer’s not working
I pissed on the seat,
Nobody’s looking.
Someone was in here.
Spoon on the floor for cooking.
A foil johnny rapper,
Its contents elsewhere, imagine, disgusting.
People still make things that insist on rusting.
It drips down the urinal,
Into cakes that are crusting.
They soak up the odour and show you your fluids.
Thank God you’re drunk, think about druids.
Slip on the tiles, for miles to the exit.
Push into the bar and order the next hit.


Like a poisonous badge of honour.  I’m having chemo.  Fuck your chemo.  Fuck your key-whole.  Fuck your side effects.  Your unexplained cheques from slimy medical sales reps.  Fuck your student nurse with a hangover.  It’s the chemo.  That’s why my hair has fallen out.  That’s why I’m nearly dying.  Fuck your privatised meal people who don’t speak English when you ask them to take away the overflowing rubbish bags of medical waste but do at all other times. Fuck your smoking policy which you are not enforcing because you are spineless starbucks sucking management moulds.

Fuck your opiate based pain medication that you don’t quite give enough of because you are worried about addiction and in the same paragraph of words you tell my dad to eat burger king to get his bowel moving after he is recovering from bowel surgery.

Fuck your insistence on us wearing gowns to protect who from an unknown unverified probably harmless infection while at the same times there are brown stains on the toilet floor.  I don’t care what they are.  Clean them up.

Fuck your agency rates of pay for nurses which are ridiculously high considering what NHS nurses get but probably fair for the amount of shit literal verbal and physical you have to put up with by people like me but I’d never hit you or shit on you.

Fuck this and all fucking governments who seem determined to wreck the NHS in a myriad of ways because I love it and we need it but they employ too many pencil pushing fanny faces and not enough doctors and nurses and it’s evidently, obviously really difficult for them and they’re tired and I’m tired and the chemo makes you tired and nobody is really sure if it works because its only ever tested against other chemo, when was the last time they tested it against nothing or eating fruit or going on holiday and I hate it.  It’s vile in vials and the ones who make it and get the all clear look like they’e been in a concentration camp so what was the point anyway and all that money all those NICE accreditations and all the running in 5K runs to raise money.  STOP FUCKING SMOKING.  STOP EATING JUNK.

junk means rubbish.  Stop drinking alcohol causes cancer.  Look it up.  Take some responsibility for your life if you want it.  If you want to live then you can live longer and not get cancer if you just do some exercise.  Go for a fucking walk.  I know a lot of people do and I’m only really angry with one person because I don’t want him to die.  But he will we all die and why would you want to live.  What is so good about life and I look at a bird in a tree and I say my mantra and I thank God that I am alive and at least I can be of some help to my family in these dark, long times.

It literally goes on forever through a jungle of appointments, diagnosis, follow ups, medications, visits and counselling and I want it to stop now.  I’m done, I’m tired and nobody should have to go through this process of hope and shock and hope and we think you’ve got lung cancer, you’ve definitely got bowel cancer and we need to operate before it explodes and what about the lung cancer oh that’s not lung cancer and you’ll recover quickly no you wont, you’ll spend three weeks tripping on morphine with bile coming out of a tube into a bucket and Buddha was right your bodies are disgusting biley messes.

Disgusting and you can come home and you’ve lost weight and oh oh oh now you need to start chemo and we found it in your liver and the operation could have caused that but at least you dont have a colostomy bag and what? you want to go to thailand for 10 days are you mad OK but when you get back more chemo which is essentially platinum poisoning and then another operation and then more chemo and if you’re not dead and the cancer is dead great.  But if the cancer is still alive then you can stop with the treatments then and only if we say and you are free to do what you want but really you’ll do what we say and we will experiment on you forever.


i saw a fox
our eyes locked
he looked
he isn’t on facebook
when something tweets
he thinks it might be something to eat

he lives in a den
a real den
not a shit den that kids make that blows away
a real den
his only friends are his kin
and his vixen
who he loves
whatever she does
she does much

when he gets back
with a rotten rat
their noses touch
and they have lunch
and she feeds her kits
and they squeak

humans used to be like this
but now they use formula
even though it’s not recommended
by anyone
because it’s not natural
they have to go to work


it’s all over

it’s all over social media
it’s a cure I must feedyah.
it’s gone viral,
like a Fibonacci spiral
infecting every sense.
it penetrates the dense, the stupid.
we retweet and make it lucid

remember care bears?
that was caring.
you’re just clicking.
that’s not sharing.
the thing in your hand’s ensnaring
you, you fool

if someone breaks their phone,
they are no longer alone
people gather hear them moan
i broke my phone, my phone is broke
it’s wet, it’s broke.
is this some kind of joke?
you broke your phone?
sit down, I will help you fix your phone
and when I’m done leave you alone
listen carefully to me,
drink some tea,
what I say you won’t like
it’s not nice
put your phone in some rice
you are now without device
and your life is on ice
my phone is broke.
I know, iphone.