I was born long ago in the 1980s. A time of coal and lizards. I was yellow when I was born and at school they called me radioactive: The joke was on them becasue in 2009 I worked with radioactive amino acids. I was put into an oxgygen tent which sounds like a festival but is not. It’s a tent for sick babies.
Then my sister was born and it was good. Then my next sister was born and she was and is a small tigress. Then my brother was born and he is wise like an owl. My father was angry and sad and happy and made money while my mother made lasagne which my best friend devoured.
At primary school I was the best but then I moved to a special bully school and it was shit for two years until I met the soon to be named Shaolin Monkey Crew. Big L, Little D, Liono, B-Lime and Feeling with my little brother and Pedro.
I took some acid and watched L’s face fall off.
I went to study Pharmacy and mixed dangerous chemicals together.
I smoked on a plane and went to jail.
I studied Biology and got a first. I became defacto leader of the W Massive.
I fell in love twice and lust infinitely.
I did a PhD and went crazy. I became friends with superdave.
I went to Asia.
I fell out of love and into Buddha.
I came home and cried.
I became God realised and Chrisitian.
I’m vegan because I think using animals for food is wrong. I don’t care about all the thousands of animals that died when the jungle in Peru was cleared to grow my quinoa. They can fuck off.
I’m vegetarian because I don’t think animals should be killed for food. I think it’s OK for them to suffer and die to produce eggs and milk. That’s fine. I love cheese.
I’m following a yogic diet because I went to India and a cow farted on me and I spent 3 days in an ashram so I think I’m it.
I’m pescatarian. It’s not even a word and I don’t have any morals. There wasn’t a thing for me so I just made it up.
I’m following a paleo diet because it’s what cavemen ate so it must be good for you. Man hasn’t really made any worthwhile advancements since then.
I’m lactose intolerant because I wasn’t suckled for long enough because my mum wanted to go back to work.
I’m wheat intolerant and I drink beer. I could explode at any moment.
I’m following the Mediterranean diet because an advert told me to eat margarine made from reconstituted olive twigs and they were all old and Italian and happy.
I’m eating MacDonald’s every day and making a film about it. I wonder if I’ll make myself sick.
I eat nothing because I have an eating disorder. I want to be thin and I’m obsessed about my weight. I’ve not eaten for so long that my body thinks I’m a wolf and I’ve grown lots of little hairs. There is too much ketone in my body. I’m locked in a secure unit, force fed gloop and made to eat chocolate bars because that is normal.
I eat nothing because there is no food because the farmers in my country sold it all to your country.