chemo

Like a poisonous badge of honour.  I’m having chemo.  Fuck your chemo.  Fuck your key-whole.  Fuck your side effects.  Your unexplained cheques from slimy medical sales reps.  Fuck your student nurse with a hangover.  It’s the chemo.  That’s why my hair has fallen out.  That’s why I’m nearly dying.  Fuck your privatised meal people who don’t speak English when you ask them to take away the overflowing rubbish bags of medical waste but do at all other times. Fuck your smoking policy which you are not enforcing because you are spineless starbucks sucking management moulds.

Fuck your opiate based pain medication that you don’t quite give enough of because you are worried about addiction and in the same paragraph of words you tell my dad to eat burger king to get his bowel moving after he is recovering from bowel surgery.

Fuck your insistence on us wearing gowns to protect who from an unknown unverified probably harmless infection while at the same times there are brown stains on the toilet floor.  I don’t care what they are.  Clean them up.

Fuck your agency rates of pay for nurses which are ridiculously high considering what NHS nurses get but probably fair for the amount of shit literal verbal and physical you have to put up with by people like me but I’d never hit you or shit on you.

Fuck this and all fucking governments who seem determined to wreck the NHS in a myriad of ways because I love it and we need it but they employ too many pencil pushing fanny faces and not enough doctors and nurses and it’s evidently, obviously really difficult for them and they’re tired and I’m tired and the chemo makes you tired and nobody is really sure if it works because its only ever tested against other chemo, when was the last time they tested it against nothing or eating fruit or going on holiday and I hate it.  It’s vile in vials and the ones who make it and get the all clear look like they’e been in a concentration camp so what was the point anyway and all that money all those NICE accreditations and all the running in 5K runs to raise money.  STOP FUCKING SMOKING.  STOP EATING JUNK.

junk means rubbish.  Stop drinking alcohol causes cancer.  Look it up.  Take some responsibility for your life if you want it.  If you want to live then you can live longer and not get cancer if you just do some exercise.  Go for a fucking walk.  I know a lot of people do and I’m only really angry with one person because I don’t want him to die.  But he will we all die and why would you want to live.  What is so good about life and I look at a bird in a tree and I say my mantra and I thank God that I am alive and at least I can be of some help to my family in these dark, long times.

It literally goes on forever through a jungle of appointments, diagnosis, follow ups, medications, visits and counselling and I want it to stop now.  I’m done, I’m tired and nobody should have to go through this process of hope and shock and hope and we think you’ve got lung cancer, you’ve definitely got bowel cancer and we need to operate before it explodes and what about the lung cancer oh that’s not lung cancer and you’ll recover quickly no you wont, you’ll spend three weeks tripping on morphine with bile coming out of a tube into a bucket and Buddha was right your bodies are disgusting biley messes.

Disgusting and you can come home and you’ve lost weight and oh oh oh now you need to start chemo and we found it in your liver and the operation could have caused that but at least you dont have a colostomy bag and what? you want to go to thailand for 10 days are you mad OK but when you get back more chemo which is essentially platinum poisoning and then another operation and then more chemo and if you’re not dead and the cancer is dead great.  But if the cancer is still alive then you can stop with the treatments then and only if we say and you are free to do what you want but really you’ll do what we say and we will experiment on you forever.

Advertisements